green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)


On the flipside, it is occasionally important to poke at one's own sacred cows.
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (artsy spacey)
I would like to thank [livejournal.com profile] history_spork for saving me hours of viewing time, even if they made my eyes bleed to do it.

They review movies with a purportedly historical setting, and kibbitz the historical bits. Like, for example, Tristan + Isolde. Paraphrased dialogue:
Tristan: It cannot be!
Isolde: Interesting you only came to that conclusion after screwing me six ways from Sunday.
Anyway, there is a scene with Isolde reading stuff to Tristan.

Poetry.

From a book.

Made of paper.

Containing works by John Donne.

Oh my head-explody brain.

(They did 300, too. There is enough interesting stuff in there that I was previously unfamiliar with--like the murder of slaves as an initation rite (and a way to keep the slaves from getting too uppity), and Sparta having two kings, and the ephors playing mediator between the two kings and being elected by the people, and the two councils, and the lack of a concept of adultery--that I'd actually make time to watch a movie about the battle of Thermopylae that was historically accurate. And did not consist of the great white slave-keeping hope single-handedly battling for freedom against the sexually degenerate dark-skinned folk.)
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
I needed, briefly, to play a thug in a gaming session. She got named Jennifer DuPree.

I picked the name as a homage (which is lit-speak for "perfectly open rip-off because the source is so cool") to Bangladesh DuPree, the lady below the cut.

She's so engaging. )
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole'

What gets me is that I was about halfway through the article before I realized that the definition I'd associated with "glory hole" was "pit used by a field hospital to dump the amputated limbs, used bandages, unsalvageable materials, and related effluvia (e.g., during the American Civil War)"[1]--and even after realizing that, I still think of the "miserable hole in trench warfare" definition before I think of the one the article's actually about.

I mean, it *worked* in the context of the article, right? "I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This Pit That Used to Be Full of Old Human Remains and Garbage"?

I think I need coffee. Quite badly.
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[1] I've actually only ever heard of this having a particular name once, in a short story titled something along the lines of "The Saint, the Satyr, and the Snake Pit". Can't find out who wrote it, though.
green_dreams: Emily Perkins as Brigitte from /Ginger Snaps/ (Emily Perkins)
Was discussing vampires feeding off blood bags with someone[1], and ended up observing that blood is the vampire's biggest sensual kick. The warmth, the force, the pulse, the taste--

--and you get just the taste.

And I imagine a sad little vampire sitting alone in a corner, sucking on a blood bag, mumbling "puh-dump puh-dump" to himself and squeezing it a little, rhythmically.

Poor little vampire.

This begs for a cartoon, but so much of it is soundtrack and motion. Would need to be a quick strip at least.

("puh-dump". *squeeza*)
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[1] Assuming it is possible, which is not the case in all settings.
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
I am suddenly imagining an alternate history in which Burke and Hare[1] are great heroes for having saved the world from the zombie menace.

There would probably be a Saturday morning cartoon featuring their exploits.

(Tangentially, [livejournal.com profile] mrsoles posted a link to I Sell The Dead in [livejournal.com profile] unhallowed_met, but I swear the B&H idea came to mind before looking at the site. Also, his The Resurrectionist sounds interesting.)

(Would you believe Firefox doesn't think "resurrectionist" is a word? I am shocked and saddened.)
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[1] Proactive resurrectionists, who decided that waiting around for someone to die and then digging him up was too much like work, and skipping the "waiting" and "digging" parts.

Quicknote.

May. 23rd, 2007 08:35 am
green_dreams: (lilac 25th may)
From Phil Foglio's Girl Genius, which is one of those entirely online and free wonders and delights[1] (yes, first issue's B&W):



This is by no means the best or the funniest or even the most well-drawn panel he's done, but right now it completely clicks.

...s'help me god, I'm at the point of buying an LJ account just so I can get more icons.

Wedding in two days. Oddly calm.
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[1] I mean it. This setting is so cool they can actually talk about having a GURPS sourcebook for it and I don't flinch. Given that my first exposure to GURPS had me wanting to print out and burn the quickstart rules, this is a feat. I mean yes, it's steampunk, and I have a soft spot for that, but still...
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
Found an archive of 422 Miss Manners columns.

"With a diary, the danger was that someone might sneak a peek at it or even steal it and expose one's secrets. With a blog, the fear is that nobody might do so."

"If you collected, say, seashells or Rembrandts, you could display them anywhere in the house. (Miss Manners is assuming that you are not a member of the Rembrandt or mollusk family.)"

"Places with insignificant temperature changes may brag about their perfect climates, but even perfection requires contrast to be appreciated. Theirs, which they may neglect to mention at the time, tend to be hurricanes and earthquakes." - written in August 2004

"Another case of opera rage. Is Miss Manners going to have to call in hockey fans to teach these people how to behave?
"You are in somewhat the same position as a driver who makes an impolite gesture to another driver who has provoked him, only to have that driver subsequently run him off the road. Except, of course, that you lived to see Violetta die."

"Oh, so that's what's happened to the thank-you letter! It survives as a performance review."

"Miss Manners is sorry, but she is fresh out of ideas about how to be rude and get away with it. Claiming identity theft?"

"I am recently divorced after 21 years. Family and friends have come up to me many times and have said, "We never liked him. Did you know that?" They may have thought they were trying to make me feel better, but I assure you, it hurt and still does. I consider it an insult. What can I say to them that will stop them dead in their tracks?"
"Well, I did."

"Every Christmas Miss Manners has to tell people that no, they should not put death announcements into their Christmas cards."

""What shall I do with the tea bag?" is an excellent question to ask your hostess. After all, it is her tablecloth."

Oh, right.

Oct. 18th, 2005 08:47 pm
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
I don't actually think I have a sense of humour. I do think have a sense of the absurd, which is not quite the same thing.

That said this still made me laugh 'til I cried, sat down, and had to lie still for several minutes before I could move again.

So I guess a sense of the absurd is okay.
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
Dear Management:

First off, I understand your concern about having someone on board who respects the responsibility of handling the public's tax dollars for government travel. I've honed making other people's travel arrangements to a fine science. Instead of booking months in advance so you might have to pay a small refund or change fee, I wait until you're absolutely sure you're going, and usually manage to nail a seat sale (for one out of the four flights you're taking, but hey, I'm trying!). The extra urgency I can milk off this means that it's usually much easier to get your last-minute approval. And I know it's more important to book you in the cheapest fleabag available and lose all the savings in taxi fares than to actually book you into the conference hotel at a discounted rate. And when the trip's over, I'm perfectly happy to use the highest exchange rate you've got listed on your claim, instead of the government-approved one. That little glow you get when you see the reimbursement you're asking for will keep you going when the forms are sent back to be redone. Twice.

Meeting organizations are a snap--it just takes a mass e-mail, carefully customized with all those downloaded e-mail tools so it perfectly reflects the tone and goal of the get-together. It's a much more direct and personal approach, and the back-and-forth of the mass-mailings really establishes the time and place in people's minds, much more than one of those discrete little schedule insertions ever could.

I understand the importance of document management. First, since no-one can open those oogy combination locks, I just leave all the filing cabinets open--that has the added advantage of making sure that when I'm in late or off early, anyone can just pop by and browse through. I'm up enough on the pace of government work to know exactly when to bring forward a document, and how many days I can let it slide so it'll fit better into your schedule. And since I always make sure to download and install the latest e-mail add-ons, I can customize the protected or secret e-mails I send to you, as well as the jokes and videos.

Speaking of documents, I'm very good at making sure they go through the system. Once they've been printed out, I don't just enter them and then trust them to some slacker working the internal mail. No, I run them right up to the next level personally. All too often the admin there is out for coffee, so I just drop them on her chair with a note explaining that I know she has the access to see it's all done right. Then I go out for coffee too, to see if I can find her. By the time I get back, the document's usually in the system, and all the phone calls back and forth have made damn sure *everyone's* aware of it.

Not only can I work with financial documents, but I know I can do it so quickly and efficiently that I don't see any problem with burying them under the litter of magazines, doodles, and fast-food wrappers on my desk for several weeks. I'll put together spreadsheets for your budget if you really want me to, but you'd better be ready to wait while I colour-code all the cells and readjust all the row widths (by hand!). This is especially important when you're on a tight deadline--after all, deadlines are only for important things, and you want a pretty printout for important things, right? Even if it means there may be some teensy accuracy errors.

I am perfectly capable of walking down to the local government supply store and picking up what you need, and I'll make damn sure I do it whenever I hear anyone winding up a conversation that sounds like I might have to do work. I really appreciate quality pens and notebooks, and will make sure they go to a good home. Plus, I brush up on my networkings skills everytime I'm at the store by bitching about my co-workers to the employees of the store and the coffee-shop (and I'm willing to take the time to go out of my way to make sure I hit the coffee shop).

I have no clue what these micro-computers are for, and don't expect to be interested until they're (1) small and stylish enough to be used for jewelry in any of my multiple piercings, or (2) can all play my pirated MP3s and videos at a volume loud enough to make everyone sharing a bus with me absolutely miserable (trust me, you don't want me owning a car). Furthermore, I think all the programs you work with are an utter waste of time. Not only will none of them open the video files I know everybody will be e-mailing me, they keep trying to fix my friendly spelling and colloquial language.

Furthermore, I sacrifice small puppies to the Squoogly Darkness.
green_dreams: Books, and coffee cup with "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book" on the side. (Default)
...or, "I am going *straight* to hell for this one."

========

So I was talking to my cat, and the dialogue[1] ran as follows:

"Stop whining, Toby, you've been fed and I love you."
"If you love me, why'd you chop off my dick?"
"So that you wouldn't explode and die, sweetheart."

Although honestly, he's got no reason to assume *I* did it. He was just in a strange place, and then there were bright lights, and he went to sleep, and he woke up with bits missing--

Migod.

Alien abductions are really a human's trip to the vet.

It makes sense. We're a pet species, owned by trees or something--something we take for granted and don't notice much, but that we'd be pretty dead without. And most of the time we're humoured and let to go our own way, and maybe some of us have gone a little feral or don't get the proper care, but just let a human with an attentive tree owner get sick and wham! Off to the vet for you, Cletus.

So Cletus--naturally thinking to himself that it was all his own idea, just as cats are convinced that whatever is happening is what they *meant* to do--heads off to the deserted stretch of backwoods logging road or wherever the hell the local vet's surgery is, and gets some peace and quiet to calm him the hell down and make sure he's in a sterile environment (seriously, have you ever seen a vet start sedating or operating on a cat with another cat in the room? I rest my case), and then before he knows it there are bright lights and a blackout and he wakes up missing a few hours of time and a little flesh but with a few stitches or a microchip PetNet tracker or something added.

Consider, furthermore, the stereotype of the common alien abduction victim once we strip away the clever smokescreen drawn by the Judas-goat-like performances of David Duchovny. Intense research and painstaking compliation of data[2] has distilled the following common elements:
* low education
* pickup truck
* isolated (wooded) area
* night-time occurrence
* bottle of alcohol (potable)
* mullet (not ubiquitous, but certainly common)

The repetition of these elements suggests something more than coincidence is at work. These are not chance elements, but breed characteristics. Prized by our tree owners, these traits are bred into the most highly desirable breeds of show humans. And as with our own purebred pets, repeated inbreeding has resulted in genetic defects (undetectable to our uninformed eyes) which result in the purebred show animals being prone to disease or injury and resulting in even more trips to the vet.

This of course means the Jersey Pine Barrens are...

Migod.

They're a puppy mill.

We can only pray the SPCH intervenes.
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[1] Toby's half supplied by [livejournal.com profile] theweaselking.
[2] Significantly assisted by [livejournal.com profile] theweaselking.
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