Shattered rocks

[green_dreams]

You will find, if you look carefully into any human's heart, that he is haunted by at least two imaginary women--a terrestrial and an infernal Venus, and that his desire differs qualitatively according to its object. There is one type for which his desire is such as to be naturally amenable to the Enemy--readily mixed with charity, readily obedient to marriage, coloured all through with that golden light of reverence and naturalness which we detest; there is another type which he desires brutally, and desires to desire brutally, a type best used to draw him away from marriage altogether but which, even within marriage, he would tend to treat as a slave, an idol, or an accomplice. His love for the first might involve that which the Enemy calls evil, but only accidentally; the man would wish that she was not someone else's wife and be sorry that he could not love her lawfully. But in the second type, the felt evil is what he wants; it is that 'tang' in the flavour which he is after. In the face, it is the visible animality, or sulkiness, or craft, or cruelty which he likes, and in the body, something quite different from what he ordinarily calls Beauty, something he may even, in a sane hour, describe as ugliness, but which, by our art, can be made to play upon the raw nerve of his private obsession.

- The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis

I must, in future, make an effort to remember the excellent effect this book has upon assorted private obsessions, melodrama, and angst. The sense of perspective is much like what I'd get from reading Vonnegut, but there's an essential gentleness in the world described as well.[1]

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Good news/bad news (utterly unrelated, beyond the faint medical theme): My grandmother's probably going into professional care--bad lack of focus, concentration, awareness. The CBS bone marrow donor registry called back today and will be sending me the information to get preliminary testing done so that I can get into the registry--this should nicely balance out the frustration those Blood. It's in you to give. ads instill in me.

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Saw a very disconcerting thing Thursday--heading over to local community centre to renew gym membership, cutting through parking lot and playground. A young girl--I'm horrible with ages, maybe six to eight?--was trying to sail a bright pink paper boat in a water puddle that was draining into a sewer grate. Alone. Maybe twenty feet from the (unsurveyed, uncamera-d) parking lot. On a grey and dreary day, when I looked around and couldn't see anyone else at all, not even anyone noticing me standing there watching the kid. And when I suggested she try sailing it in the deeper part of the puddle and she couldn't hear me, she came closer.

(I think this would have struck me as faintly worrying even if I hadn't immediately thought of George Denbrough.)

Her adult, it transpired, was in fact just inside the doors, and could see her by looking out. But she was repacking another kid's knapsack, and she wasn't looking outside, and I think there could have been a minute or two of not-noticing there.

I mean. You know. I generally tend to think of Ottawa as a safe place. And I am almost completely sure nothing would have happened even if I hadn't stopped and watched until her adult showed up, and if it had, the kid would have screamed bloody murder and the end result would have been a scared kid being taken home by a furiously scared parent.

It's just... the moment has kind of gotten under my skin.

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Nearly finished Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, which is good since it's on the Express lending list and if it's not back by Thursday it's $5/day in late fees. Will definitely be looking to pick up a copy to own. Also future books by Susanna Clarke. It's like Dickens, but with an editor.

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Similar note to Thursday, two days later: small boy (same age?) was running around the yard outside our window. He got into the apartment building[2], and I went into the hallway to ask him to keep it down. Discovered in rapid succession that he was (1) sans adult, (2) assuming I will help him look for his adult, and (3) absolutely not holding still.

He sprints back out into the yard, and spots his adult in another yard. She'd told him to wait while she went to retrieve the ball they were playing with, and starts coming back. He gets up onto a table next to the fence, the sort of thing you'd rest a barbecue grill on, so he can see her better. He gets a grip on the top crossrail of the fence and starts walking forward. And he hand-walks himself right off the edge of the table so that he's hanging above concrete paving for a split-second, at which point his grip on the crossrail slips and I never want to have to stop a small child from falling twice his height onto pavement again.

I was kind of expecting him to fall, so it wasn't exactly close. He wasn't heavy enough that I was anywhere close to dropping him. And again, he'd probably have been fine. But swear to god, if I'd needed any more inspiration to stick with cats...
---
[1] For those of you who haven't read the book and are judging it by the excerpt; please note that this impression is garnered after having compensated for the fact that the speaker (writer) is a demon.
[2] Kind of like a bat theweaselking and I had to evict a while ago. Cutest little thing. It was bravely attacking the broomhandle.[3]
[3] For the sake of clarity: we weren't whacking at it or anything. Just kind of gently prodding it to get it off the wall and into the bucket. We got it safely outside, and it flew away.

Comments

[psyco-path.livejournal.com]

1. Screwtape letters. Need to read that. If I can tolerate enough preachy god for that long.

2. Welcome to the life of a parent. Your child is determined to kill themselves. All day everyday. They are admirable in the fact that they are invincible and terrifying because you know they aren't. The fact that you care about 2 kids who you don't even know is a good sign in itself.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

> 1. Screwtape letters. Need to read that. If I can tolerate enough
> preachy god for that long.

It strikes me as the least preachy of all Lewis's works (mind you, I've never found them to be particularly preachy--to me the word always has connotations of sanctimony, and instead his writing comes across to me as essentially joyful[1]--so I may not be the best judge of this). The fact that it's written from the point of view of a demon may be part of the reason; that it's an epistolary and I have a very long habit of reading those as expressions of opinion rather than fact, even when I find myself agreeing with the presumed facts which result in the writer's opinions.

That, and I love watching Screwtape not get it--partly because he's a love-to-hate-him[2] sort of character, and partly because the proposed world that he is not getting is a good place, and that makes me quietly[3] and fundamentally happy.

> 2. Welcome to the life of a parent. Your child is determined to kill
> themselves. All day everyday. They are admirable in the fact that they
> are invincible and terrifying because you know they aren't. The fact
> that you care about 2 kids who you don't even know is a good sign in
> itself.

I confess that the thought of the responsibility terrifies me nearly as much as the thought of going through pregnancy, and on a much more through level. {:) Still. Small kids, possible trouble. You pay attention.
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[1] As noted before, elsewhere: post-conversion stuff only. His pre-conversion poems are some of the most effectively bleak things I've ever read.
[2] Though now that I think about it, there's none of the glee I usually associate with LTHH characters in it.
[3] Perhaps not quietly. Quotes are liable to be floating around for a couple of days.

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel with the kids.
When I worked in retail I actually stopped men on two seperate occasions from leaving the store with children that turned out to be not theirs.
WTF?
Where are the parents? In one case the mom took 5 minutes to come reclaim her child.
What was worse was that neither time was the kid making a fuss, but I know that parents and guardians do not generally as kids in their care "Yeah, so how old are you now?" and "So what is your puppy's name? I have a puppy at home do you want to come see it?" and other casual questions that strangers ask kids to make casual conversation.

I don't know what parents are thinking when they leave their child unattended.

I mean, they could end up like those two unfortunate boys that were abandonned at the museum I worked at. It was closing time, only staff cars left in the lot and I see two boys on a bench "Where's your mom?" I ask.
"She left us here, I think"
"Maybe she's still down in the village, I can go take a look"
"No, it's alright, she does this all the time. Then CAS gets called and they come and interview us and then we stay with a foster family for a week and then they send us home. That works for a while and then she gets tired and leaves us somewhere else."
*with look of horror on my face* "Oh my gosh"
"It's okay, she does it a lot, we're used to it"

Honestly, some people do not deserve to have children, but those children should not be the ones to pay the price.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

> What was worse was that neither time was the kid making a fuss, but I
> know that parents and guardians do not generally as kids in their care
> "Yeah, so how old are you now?" and "So what is your puppy's name? I
> have a puppy at home do you want to come see it?" and other casual
> questions that strangers ask kids to make casual conversation.

Dear
Christ.

(I've got this horrible wrenching chill going through my skin now, like chitinous hooks digging in and twisting, all over, while something climbs around on my back.)

I never had that at the OPL, and I'm praying it was because the security guard, the cameras, and the generally attentive staff were enough of a deterrent, not because I missed anything.

> When I worked in retail I actually stopped men on two seperate
> occasions from leaving the store with children that turned out to be
> not theirs.

It is not generally my place to be saying this, but thank you.

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

And thank you for keeping an eye on those kids.

Some people think its paranoid, but let's face it, even if someone doesn't try to actively harm them, I've scooped my fair share of neighbours kids out of the street while chasing a ball into traffic. Kids often don't think about safety because it's just not been programmed into them.
Some of the kids get the point when the car runs over their ball and it goes bang and explodes.

[unnamed525.livejournal.com]

So ... "any human" is necessarily a male?
Give me a woman who I can view as an accomplice. Doesn't sound bad to me.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

*shrug* C.S. Lewis lived from 1898 to 1963. He picked up the attitudes of the times. It is a mark of my enjoyment of his writing that the sexism doesn't bother me in the least; the general gentleness and optimism of the worldview (along with the sheer articulate-ness of the writing) is more than worth wading through the male-by-default attitude. I rather doubt he would say that the principles he's expressing don't apply to me, and even if he did, I don't believe that to be the case and am not going to worry about it.

An accomplice is a partner in crime, a collaborator in matters one would reasonably be ashamed of; I personally would much rather have a partner in life, good works, charity, and happiness than a partner in crime, especially anything a demon would care to encourage me in.

[unnamed525.livejournal.com]

I don't logically associate law with ethics. Something can be a crime, but still be ethically permissible (smoking marijuana, for instance). There are people who think that we should reasonably be ashamed of having sexual relations outside of a state-sanctioned marriage; these people are insane religionists.
Being naughty makes me happy ... as long as it doesn't harm anybody or infringe upon their rights to be naughty.

[torrain.livejournal.com]

*reiterates text of footnote [1], from post above*

I understand that you may not logically associate law with ethics, and neither do I, but remember that the speaker is a metaphysical creature giving advice on how to get humans to be miserable and go to hell, and his writings should be read in that context.

[unnamed525.livejournal.com]

I beat metaphysical creatures with metaphysical sticks when they try to trick me, but your point stands.
*wanders off to summon a demon*

[torrain.livejournal.com]

*grin* Trick? ;)

[unnamed525.livejournal.com]

Yes. Lesser beings such as demons best do what I tell them when I tell them to do it or there will be Hell to pay, literally.